Well, a long time ago, I was sitting at home on the computer, and out of the corner of my eye I found this lamp thingy. It was kinda dirty so I decided to rub it. When I did, a genie came out and told me he would grant me three wishes. I was really hungry at the time, so I wished for any kind of food to appear in my kitchen anytime I wanted. It was amazing. Every time I would crave Chinese food, I would just have to open my cabinet, and there would be the most amazing meal. Anytime I wanted Italian, or Mexican, or even a popsicle, all I had to do was go into my kitchen. Eventually I got to the point where all of the food in my house was so good, I never ate anywhere else because nothing could compare to my magic food. It wasn’t a big problem at first, but eventually anytime I was invited over to a friend’s house or a restaurant, I couldn’t eat because the food tasted horrible to me. Eventually people started asking me what my problem was, and I didn’t know what to tell them. Should I let them know about the magical kitchen? Should I share this gift with them? Eventually I decided to tell a few people about the amazing magical food. Unfortunately since I made the wish for food to appear anytime I wanted, other people couldn’t just go up and get the food themselves. I had to be the one to make it appear and give it to them. Soon the word got out about my magic kitchen, and people were constantly showing up at my house to ask for food. At first I was happy to share, but day after day of people asking me to make them food got very annoying. People would come from miles away to taste the magical food. I started telling people no, but weeks of eating the magic food had made all other food inedible. Desperate for more food, the people started offering me money inreturn for their food. I initially said no, but the call of all of that money was too strong. People were paying me outrageous sums of money for this food. Eventually the people had given me everything of value. Drunk off of power, I told them that unless they could pay up, I wouldn’t give them anything more. They started harassing me everywhere I went. They would throw all of the food that they couldn’t eat at me. Eggs, tomatoes, cakes, apples, and even frozen turkeys. Those hurt like a bitch. One day they cornered me and I was afraif for my life, as they had apparently found a shipment of cans of soup to throw. Before any harm could come to me, I called for my genie and used my second wish to have the ability of teleportation. I thought about the Eiffel Tower and POOF, I was there. I spent the rest of the day zipping around the world. I went to Italy, Japan, Canada, Mexico, and Russia. Anytime I started feeling the pangs of hunger, I would pop back to my house to eat. Eventually the mob of people realized that I had to be just as dependent on the magic food as they were, and one day they broke into my house and were waiting for me. As soon as I teleported in, they grabbed for me. I teleported to the next room so I could listen in and sneak into the kitchen when I found an opportunity. I heard some weird noises, and then the house got quiet. I crept out to the hall and immediately smelled gasoline. They had doused my house in it, and as I ran to the kitchen the house exploded into flames. I teleported away to the first place I could think of. I opened my eyes and was at what used to be my favorite playground. I realized that I would eventually starve to death like the poor people I had abandoned, and so I knew what I had to do. I called my genie and told him I was ready to make my final wish. I wished that everything would go back to the way that it was before I found the lamp. Immediately I found myself back in my room, looking at the computer just as I was on that fateful day when I found the lamp. Nothing was different, except I had my internet browser open. I clicked to maximize it and there on my screen was gay porn. I liked what I saw because I’m gay. I’m gay because that’s the way my brain works. My brain works because I am alive. I’m alive because I used that last wish to make everything back to normal.